


Fifteen

by lachoy



Category: Loveless
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:36:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8008384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachoy/pseuds/lachoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Turning fifteen was never supposed to be so different from being fourteen. A story about all the things that happen during his fifteenth year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifteen

**Author's Note:**

> Usually I wouldn't spoil a story, but there is no sex in this story. But I still wanted to rate it mature for the fact Ritsuka is fifteen and Soubi is twenty-four.

It's when Ritsuka's fifteen years old that his mother tries to kill him.

Other times she had just hurt him. Perhaps she had wanted to gravely injure him, but that look in her eyes when he had been under her with her hands wrapped tightly around his throat, had showed she went over some line.

Ritsuka's certain she had kept herself from this. There were times he knew she felt guilty for how she treated him, times where she had cried into his shirt and drenched it with tears and snot. Maybe that's why he doesn't actually hurt her when he's trying to make her stop. Even with his head starting to feel the effects from the lack of oxygen. He'll pass out before he's dead because he knows she isn't doing this right. Not blocking what she should and it's his luck.

His hands are free. He could hit her, push her off, and he could scratch at her face. Ritsuka knows he would not have to die here, but he can't hurt her.

Soubi makes the decision for him.

Ritsuka hadn't even known that Soubi was nearby. Possibly he wasn't or maybe he just sleeps near the damn house. Who knows? But it's Soubi that rushes in, Soubi that grabs her, and it's Soubi who she tries to hurt next. 

This time it's more about blind panic than an intent to kill. Soubi is a stranger to her and he's an intruder. She's screaming at him, demanding to know who he is, but she's grabbing something sharp to lunge at him before Ritsuka can gather the pieces of his sanity back from his near death experience. He sees Soubi glaring, holding her wrist back from letting her stab him, and she just won't stop screaming.

“Who are you?! Why are you in my house?! Get out! Get out!” She starts shouting this phrase hysterically and the neighbors have to hear this. But they've never cared about the noise before and Ritsuka hopes they don't start to suddenly care now.

“You can't take him from me! I won't let you!”

Ritsuka's coughing and he stands up, running over to them. “Don't hurt her, Soubi! Please don't!” 

Soubi looks almost betrayed because right now, seemingly, he's under more danger than she is. Ritsuka knows better. Soubi's made it a point that he would love to kill her and Ritsuka knows he could get out of this situation easily. There is no danger here for Soubi, only for his mother.

But the fact that she hears Ritsuka call him by name is enough to snap her attention back.

“You know him...? Ritsuka, what have you done? You know this man! Who is he?!”

Misaki by herself is dangerous. She will take anything she can use to hurt you. There's a reason why there's no more vases in the house. Any glass. Though plastic cups and mugs still hurt when thrown or hit hard enough over bones.

But Misaki with a knife? Now that's something Ritsuka wants to run from and there's tears in his eyes because he doesn't know why it has to be like this. For so long, he'd taken comfort from her moments of guilt. When she'd try to act like a good mother for guests and when she would hug him, crying like she couldn't believe the things she's done to him.

It's all going to hell because Ritsuka sees the cold hard truth. He can't have anything nice. Not from her and not from anybody else because not even Soubi understands how badly he doesn't want her hurt.

And then because it's Soubi who ends up with a knife in his shoulder when he yanks her away from Ritsuka. There's a scream and Ritsuka's certain it came from him. But he's sobbing Soubi's name and Soubi seems almost complimented, a smile on his face even though there's a knife handle sticking out of him. Ritsuka's mother is crumpled on the ground and Soubi starts to say some spell, her eyes closing before she's sleeping.

Could Soubi have done that this entire time? Yes. He could have. Maybe he'd wanted it to end this way because now that she's hurt Soubi, Ritsuka...he doesn't think he can be here anymore.

“You selfish bastard,” Ritsuka says between rubbing his eyes. “You selfish, selfish asshole.”

Soubi chooses to ignore that. “She didn't hit anything important. I'll be fine. But what about you? Are you--”

“I'm—I'm alright. I think.” Physically he's okay, but mentally he's been better. He's still on his knees as he looks at Soubi and if this were normal, wouldn't he be grateful? But he isn't. Not at all. All Soubi's done is make him form this new decision. Soubi's been doing it for a year now. Asking Ritsuka to move out, move in with him, and Ritsuka has been turning it down much to the other's dismay.

He's gotten what he wants now, right? Through all this hassle. Waiting for the right moment to just...snatch him away. Ritsuka's angry, but he's too tired to really show it.

“You can't stay here anymore, Ritsuka.”

“I know.”

“If I hadn't--”

“I know,” Ritsuka interrupts, not wanting to hear it because it hurts. Knowing he has to give up. He looks to his mother asleep on the ground and his tears were getting better, but he's crying again. “I get it, Soubi. You win. I'll leave.”

There's this moment of silence and Ritsuka doesn't know why it's there nor does he mind it. He prefers it. But then he feels Soubi's lips on his head, kissing him there.

“I'll go and get a few of your things.”

Ritsuka snaps his head up. “You're injured! Let me treat you first!”

“I told you, it's okay. She didn't really hit anything too important. I won't bleed out.”

Ritsuka stands up, wobbling for a moment and smacking away Soubi's hands. He's doing his usual thing. Acting like an adult and like he has to take care of anybody because it's the only way he knows how to handle things when it gets too rough. “Come on. Let me patch you up first and then we'll...get ready to go.”

He is not ready for this. He is not at all ready to move out of his mother's. He's only fifteen and she'll be all alone. Soubi had called it insanity that Ritsuka had any empathy for his mother, but Ritsuka thinks that's just called being human. She was still his mother. It didn't seem right not to have any affection for her no matter how badly she hurt him.

But she had hurt Soubi. If she had hurt Yuiko, Yayoi, any of his friends...this would have ended up the same. He would have moved out. Hurting the people he loved was too much and Soubi knew that. Had decided to sacrifice himself to get what he wanted because Ritsuka wasn't some dumb kid. He knew all of this wasn't just for his sake, but to appease Soubi's needs. 

Stupid, selfish Soubi.

Soubi's the one to pull the knife out before Ritsuka can even give it a try. “Ritsuka's too nice. He doesn't want to hurt people,” had been his excuse and Ritsuka had scoffed.

“You people and always saying I'm too nice.” But he gets to treating the wound. Throughout the years of abuse, Ritsuka's gotten rather adept at treating wounds. Though a stab wound like this is a little much even for him. There's a lot of blood and Soubi has to help him. Ritsuka doesn't need to ask to know that Soubi probably had to treat similar injuries on his body before.

“It is a little more easy with the help of someone else, though,” Soubi admits when they're all done and Ritsuka's looking around his room while Soubi puts his shirt back on. What to take? He doesn't have much. Books can be replaced and so can clothes, but he'll need clothes. His school things. 

There's moments where he falters, putting things in wrong and almost starting to cry again when he can't fit more things into his backpack.

“I'm sorry, Ritsuka.”

“No, you're not. You're not sorry at all. Don't lie to me. I told you to never do that again. I hate your lies. This is what you wanted all along.”

Soubi frowns, but he doesn't deny it. “We should be leaving soon. If she wakes up, she won't let you go easily. If at all.”

In the end, Ritsuka leaves a note. Apologizing, wishing her the best, and telling her that he'll be okay. 

Ritsuka is fifteen years old when he says good-bye to his mother.

 

\- - - - 

 

It's when Ritsuka's fifteen years old that Yuiko confesses to him.

The whole thing isn't surprising. Ritsuka doesn't know how long it's been going on, but he had started to figure it out when they were around fourteen. Soubi's teased him about it and that's only pissed him off more because Soubi would kiss him in the next second.

Ritsuka turns her down and she tries not to cry. Tells him she isn't a crybaby like she used to be and he smiles. He wants to apologize and say he wishes things were different because they could have been. They could have been something so easily if not for everything. If he had been normal, Ritsuka's almost certain he would have fallen for Yuiko. At fifteen, he can see what's good about her. She's beautiful and maybe a little too tall, but he's taller now too so it works. Yuiko's nice, always trying to be good to other people, and isn't that what he respects about someone?

But no, he turns her down and he tells Soubi that day about it. It's a Thursday and Soubi doesn't have classes on Thursdays so he always picks Ritsuka up to walk home together.

“Did you say yes?”

“You know I told her no.”

“Yuiko is a very good girl, though. I like her a lot.”

Ritsuka's ears move down close to his head in irritation. “Don't say it like that. It's creepy coming from you.” But he sighs and starts to loosen the uniform tie he has. “Yayoi's a better match for her anyway. He's normal.”

“You aren't?”

“You know I'm not.”

Soubi usually walks behind Ritsuka just a little a lot of the time. It has to do with the whole ordering thing, Ritsuka thinks. But this time he walks up beside him to brush his fingers against Ritsuka's hand. Soubi never does anything that would cause a scene and so Ritsuka knows Soubi won't hold his hand. He only alludes to it and it causes Ritsuka to twitch in anticipation. At fifteen, he doesn't shun Soubi's touch nearly as much as he used to. Kisses still make him feel uncomfortable a lot, but he accepts them as part of his and Soubi's relationship. Part of him has grown to enjoy them even if he thinks he shouldn't.

This is why him and Yuiko couldn't really ever be more than friends. Ritsuka glances to Soubi from the corner of his eye and Soubi notices.

“Would you like to be normal?”

“I don't know,” Ritsuka answers. “I didn't get a chance to know what it was like,” he says accusingly just to see how Soubi reacts.

“I think you're normal enough, Ritsuka.”

The worst thing is that Soubi actually means it.

That night as he does his homework at the table and Soubi paints, Ritsuka takes a pause as his mind starts to think over Yuiko's confession. It was so simple and so Yuiko. Probably the kind of love confession that would have sent Yayoi head over heels. But it had just made him feel bad because he couldn't return it.

Ritsuka was certain he cared about Yuiko. She was his friend, maybe his best if he believed in such a label, but what did he really know about love? He'd believed he loved Seimei and he had, but once he learned just what Seimei's love really was, Ritsuka's love for Seimei had felt like a lie. Ritsuka knows he loved Seimei and he still doesn't hate him. But that was--

He hates to think about Seimei for long. It's not anger he feels, but humiliation. 

So then what about Soubi? Soubi had always said it, that false declaration of love. He didn't do it anymore and there were times Ritsuka thought he missed it. Then he'd be angry at himself because Soubi still didn't love him. He was young, but he wasn't stupid. Soubi didn't love him, would never love him, and that was a fact.

Ritsuka was staring at Soubi, a frown developing on his face. Anybody would have been good enough. As long as Soubi had someone like him then it was okay, right? Soubi spoke as if it was because Ritsuka was Ritsuka, but Ritsuka believed differently. Knew differently.

Soubi notices Ritsuka staring at him fairly quickly and pauses his brush right before it hits his canvas as he looks to him. “Is something on my face?”

“I was just thinking about you and me.”

“Oh, is that so?” A knowing smile crosses onto Soubi's face and Ritsuka glares.

“Not like that!”

Though the thought of them being like that is definitely one that has crossed his mind more lately and if he's honest, he knows the real reason why he said no to Yuiko. It's Soubi. Despite the fact that Soubi may not love him, Ritsuka knows that he does love Soubi. Even if he sees all the things Soubi does, sees everything that is bad about him—he can't help it. Him and Soubi are tied to each other and Ritsuka knows that Soubi forced that bond, but Ritsuka doesn't think he could ever untie himself from the older man. A part of him needs Soubi because Soubi might be one of the few people to truly understand him.

Ritsuka stands up and walks over to Soubi, kneeling down beside him on the ground where he's painting as his hand goes out to stroke his cheek. 

“Are you still thinking about you and me, Ritsuka?”

A nod and Ritsuka leans in to kiss Soubi. It's a lot more comfortable when he's the one initiating the kissing and Soubi's the one forced to react. When he kisses Soubi first, Soubi always takes a moment. Like he isn't sure what to do and then if Ritsuka hasn't pulled away, he kisses back and it always feels strange. But Ritsuka doesn't think it's bad.

The kiss goes on for a few moments and that's the longest they've kissed. A whole new feeling rushes through Ritsuka and he doesn't think he wants to stop kissing. He studies Soubi's face, trying to read if Soubi feels the same way. Does he kiss back because he wants to kiss him or does he kiss back because he thinks he has to?

“What if I confessed to you?” Ritsuka asks suddenly, not really sure why he's doing this or what answer he's looking for. It isn't like he'd ever confess to Soubi anyway. As if he has those feelings because he doesn't. His love for Soubi is weird and there's a lot of ways it works, but Ritsuka doesn't think it's as simple as being in love. Him and Soubi aren't normal and genuine romance probably would never suit them.

“Are you confessing to me right now?” Soubi seems amused and that just pisses Ritsuka off as he glares and sits back away from Soubi.

“No. Definitely not. But if I did and you didn't have to worry about anything, would you accept it?”

“I--”

“Please be honest. Please don't lie.” It seems pathetic to ask that of him, but Ritsuka truly wants to hear an honest answer. One that Soubi would really give if he could be himself, no matter what it is.

Soubi blinks and his eyes drop down to his painting as he considers.

“No, I wouldn't.”

Ritsuka won't pretend that doesn't hurt a little. “Why not?”

“You deserve someone who can actually be a person.”

“Idiot,” Ritsuka mutters as he turns Soubi's head back to him. He stares straight at him until Soubi finally looks at him. Ritsuka won't let Soubi hide from him. That isn't allowed. “You are a person.”

“Thank you for believing that,” Soubi replies, a sad smile on his face. Ritsuka doesn't like seeing that smile because he knows he can't take it away. That sad smile will always be there and it's a reminder that Ritsuka can't fix everything. So he kisses him so he can pretend that maybe that smile is gone and they're in love because they're bound together. There is no changing that and Ritsuka wants to make this as nice as he can because if his heart can't leave Soubi and Soubi won't let him then he wants to be as happy as possible.

Ritsuka is fifteen years old when he learns that maybe soul mates aren't always meant to be happy fairy tales.

 

\- - - - 

It's when Ritsuka is about to turn sixteen that he hears Soubi trying to silently cry. He does this a lot because they share a bed and Soubi has a lot of dreams that wake him up. But he doesn't want to bother Ritsuka because he isn't worth that and he quietly suffers.

A lot of times, Ritsuka chose to ignore it because as selfish as it was he didn't want to handle Soubi in the middle of the night. Not when he has school in the morning and people to pretend to be normal for later.

But now he's sick of it and he taps Soubi on the shoulder, turning him over.

“Ritsuka, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you, I'm sorry--”

“You're so annoying,” Ritsuka says and Soubi's face looks hurt. “You bother me when you do this. You pretend like nothing's wrong. Everything's wrong so why pretend it isn't?”

“I'm sorry.”

“I know.”

“I'm so sorry.”

Ritsuka is tired of apologies so he kisses Soubi to quiet him. All he can taste is his tears and the thought itself is disgusting. Why is it that in movies and shows, kissing while the other person is crying is supposed to be beautiful and sweet? All this is doing is making his face wet and who wants to taste someone else's tears?

Pulling away quickly enough, Ritsuka looks to Soubi and Soubi isn't crying as much now at least.

“Do you feel better?”

He looks like he's ready to lie, but then he shakes his head. “No.”

“What's wrong?”

“You're going to leave me.” Ritsuka's heard this before and he already knows how this conversation will go. It got annoying after the first few times and now it's tiring. “Everybody leaves and I know you'll leave. You have to get sick of me.”

Ritsuka just sighs and wraps his arms around Soubi's head to hold him close. “I'm still here, aren't I?”

“But you won't be--”

“I'm here. Just take that as proof I'm not leaving you any time soon. Please?” He knows Soubi won't believe him because Soubi never does. Soubi doesn't believe in anything.

Things aren't as dramatic for a while, the only sounds heard being Soubi's quiet cries. If it were anybody else in the bed then maybe they wouldn't of heard them but Ritsuka's hypersensitive to Soubi, each subtle movement, every breath or sound, never escapes his notice. Soubi doesn't want Ritsuka to hear him, but Ritsuka can't help it.

He could go to sleep right now, they could wake up in the morning as if this never happened. Ritsuka could act like Soubi actually slept instead of crying into his pillow the entire night, unsure of what to do with himself. Like he doesn't get up from their bed and pace around or go outside to smoke one or ten cigarettes in a row. Ritsuka could pretend this doesn't happen, but he doesn't want to. It's past midnight and what good is it to dodge the truth of it all? He's tired of Soubi never understanding, always so sure that Ritsuka will leave and he won't love him. Ritsuka doesn't want to put up with Soubi being Soubi and perhaps it's insensitive, but it has to end.

“I love you,” Ritsuka tries to murmur as if the words are easy to say. But they feel too grown up on his lips and he thinks he sounds like a child. Then he remembers it's Soubi that hears them and it isn't like Soubi is much of an adult anyway. And Ritsuka know he's never heard those words before. Not like this.

When Ritsuka kisses Soubi, it's with a set goal in mind. How else do you show someone you love them? You show them with your body, with everything you have. 

You aren't supposed to lose your ears at fifteen. It isn't uncommon, but it's still something whispered about like a dirty awful rumor. About the classmate that had sex. Ritsuka knows what would be said about him and he thinks he'd prefer those things instead of the untrue rumors about his mom and his murdered brother. Let those rumors die and let his status as an adult begin because he's already been one for too long anyway.

Ritsuka doesn't think kissing should be difficult and every time they have kissed, it's been easy. But making out shouldn't be a solo act and Soubi isn't helping. His mouth is motionless and Ritsuka wants to scream out of frustration. Doesn't this idiot know what he's trying to do? He wants to show him he loves him but how can he when Soubi won't let him? Not that Soubi has ever been too good with kissing back. Something Ritsuka realized long before now was that he was probably the only person that Soubi had ever kissed. All those kisses had been shared first experiences and this is Soubi's first time making out, too.

And Ritsuka really doesn't want to think about the grim reality of Soubi's missing ears because if he never kissed before Ritsuka then what was losing his ears like…?

“Ritsuka,” Soubi finally gasps, trying to put distance between them when Ritsuka rolls on top of him to kiss harder. “What--”

“I love you,” Ritsuka answers, as if it's obvious. “I want to show you.” His cat ears twitch, as if knowing they will be gone soon.

“You don't have to. We don't have to. This isn't --”

“I love you,” he repeats. Before Soubi can argue, Ritsuka's kissing him again and trying to shed Soubi of his shirt. And he fails because Soubi let's out this inhuman wail that sounds like he's trying to say 'stop' before Ritsuka is on the ground, shoved away.

“No, oh God, I'm sorry. Punish me. I shouldn't have--”

Ritsuka stands and screams. “I don't want to hurt you! I don't want to leave you or have you leave me ever again! I just don't understand why you don't trust me? Why won't you ever just believe me that I love you and won't leave you?!”

The terrifying part about Soubi is how he's supposed to be an adult and how he looks like one, but he isn't one at all. What's scary is that Ritsuka doesn't know very much, but neither does Soubi. And yet Soubi relies on him. 

Soubi's more of a child than Ritsuka ever has been and that's never been more apparent than now as Ritsuka watches Soubi break down, his body shaking as he begs for forgiveness as he sounds like he'll never catch his breath.

Ritsuka gets back on their bed and holds Soubi to him, trying to comfort him because even if it's scary, this is what you do when you love someone. You try to put together all their pieces and even if you can't fix them, you stay with them because you can't imagine them not being in your life. Or maybe that's just called dependency? Is there even a difference, Ritsuka wonders. Maybe when he turns sixteen, he'll know.

**Author's Note:**

> More notes because this is the longest thing I've written and Ritsuka is hard to write. His emotions and thoughts change so much, but I like to believe it's because he is a kid, but a kid who is always expected to be more than he should have to be. His feelings towards Soubi and how he thinks about him is also just always a whirlwind of things because it isn't like they have a normal relationship. It isn't like it's healthy or began normally or is even close to normal. Sorry for the ramble but I have a lot of feelings about Loveless and Ritsuka and Soubi in particular. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
